October 6th, 2005
Draft Genre 2
I Am
By: Katie Frazier
I am a boy who is deaf
I wonder if anyone can help me
I hear nothing
I see they way they look at me
I want to be like my friends
I am a boy who is deaf
I pretend that I'm not different
I feel like everyone is looking at me
I touch my ears to show them what's wrong
I worry that I will always be this way
I cry because no one understands
I am a boy who is deaf
I understand that the doctors can help me
I say do whatever they have to
I dream that the procedure will work
I try not to set my expectations to high
I hope that I can hear
I am a boy who is deaf
Posted by Frazier34 at 01:44 AM | 2 comments
MeganLeigh
Audience: The boy's close friends and family, because the poem is extremely personal . . .
Sayback: The client describes his desire to hear and informs us of a procedure that will be done and hopefully, he will hear again.
Bless: I REALLY like the sequencing of this poem. (I'll say, "It tells a story" to prove I was, in fact, paying attention in class today.) ;) You did a good job of setting up the problem--he's deaf, he feels left out, he knows he's "different", etc.--so by the time we get to, "I understand the doctors can help me", we know the "what" and the "why" behind it. Good job!
Address: Well, I found a couple of typos. "I see "they" way they look at me", and the part about "setting expections". . . it would be "too" high rather than "to" high. (I didn't catch either of these until the second time I read it, btw.)
And, the next thing isn't a definite, b/c I might like the way you have this sentence better, but I'll give you a suggestion just so, you know, you'll have some critiquing other than typos. (Such a cop out.) ;) "I say do whatever they have to." Would it be better as "I say do whatever you have to?" Or you could even make it "I say, "Do whatever you have to." " since he's saying it and everything. Or maybe he's just thinking it. (I've been known to take things too literally.)
miller255
2. Audience: The audience is the client's family and friends.
3. Say Back: The client is trying to express how he feels. He is also explaining how everyone notices how much different he is from the other children or his friends. At the end he is also explaining that he can be helped and hopefully one day be able to hear.
4. Bless: I really like the sentence "I touch my ears to show them what's wrong." I believe it standouts from the others because it shows how the child tries explain to his friends that he cannot hear. In addition, it shows that his communication skills are impaired as well.
5. Address: When looking over the format of the "I Am" poem I noticed that the first line is supposed to be repeated four times. You accidently change from "I am a boy who can't hear" to "I am a boy who is deaf. Just look at the format of the poem and pick one of the sentences to use throughout the whole poem.
A typo that I found was in my favorite sentence. You need to change whats to what's.